Comments on Fighting Monsters with Rubber Swords: Rough transition

That picture is heart-wrenching. I'm a big ol' so...

2007-06-12T13:50:00.000-05:00

That picture is heart-wrenching. I'm a big ol' softie when it comes to kid and I teared up looking at that sad little face.

for whatever else you do or do not do in life, you...

2007-06-11T17:47:00.000-05:00

for whatever else you do or do not do in life, you're a very good father.
That entry choked me up and broke my heart.
If anyone thinks you should take a hand to her or hurt her physically, well that's the most disgusting and absurd idea. It doesn't even deserve any kind of response.

As a parent, it must enrage you when people treat Schuyler as The Monster.
Instead of *seeing* the little girl, and the human that she is.
All kids do things. Life is a learning curve. We don't come knowing how to handle everything, and we don't do things right first time up, all the time. I can speak and I sometimes feel like kicking people in the shins as well.

Rob - screw what anyone else says about how you pa...

2007-06-09T08:58:00.000-05:00

Rob - screw what anyone else says about how you parent your child, and whether or not you physically punish your child or not. She's your kid not theirs. God, every kid has an incident or two in their careers as student, regardless of they face challenges or not. It's school for God's sakes. Your daughter is so freaking normal:):)

RobYet another heart-breaking picture of Schuyler....

2007-06-08T10:44:00.000-05:00

Rob

Yet another heart-breaking picture of Schuyler. I hope the situation gets better, soon.

She's a wonderful girl, that daughter of yours.

For what it's worth, my daughter did the same sort...

2007-06-08T00:55:00.000-05:00

For what it's worth, my daughter did the same sorts of things at about the same age, and it always turned out there was a good reason for it. Not that I ever told her — or otherwise communicated to her — that a physical response is the way to go, but she was only human after all, and still is, at least as far as I can tell. Sometimes one of the other kids would just push her too far.

She was about seven when she shoved a male classmate into the wall for saying "something mean," which, as it later turned out, was some kind of ultra-nasty slur about her mother, which she had tolerated several times prior to finally losing her temper. Although her teacher was obligated to inform me of the event — and the official inappropriateness thereof — she also added that the boy was, in fact, a bully, and that she and quite a few of the other teachers were privately sympathetic, and even proud of her.

Also for what it's worth, I never, ever spanked her. Would have been a huge mistake, imho.

When I was a kid, my mom was the spanker.My father...

2007-06-06T22:29:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, my mom was the spanker.

My father, on the other hand, would get down to eye level - and speak to me quietly about my actions. He would explain why they were wrong, what I needed to do to rectify things - and the consequences of my actions.

He only spanked me twice, and that was for running into a busy highway - and for hitting my mother (to show me that it hurt).

There's just something about a dad that speaks quietly to his daughter.

Good choice, Rob.

***By the way - do they have outside time at school, or are they sticking them inside for the entire summer? THAT is a reason to kick someone!

I just saw where you said in the comments that the...

2007-06-06T19:40:00.000-05:00

I just saw where you said in the comments that they seem frightened of her, or at least daunted. That sucks! I wish everyone could just take her in stride, be eager to learn about her and how to make things go smoothly. I just think back to that waiter you wrote about who just talked to Schuyler and treated her like a kid. I think that's such a cool attitude, and I hope that the staff becomes more like that, just able to not see Schuyler as anything other than a sweet kid. Here's hoping!

Also, damn, this entry totally made me tear up at the end. Schuyler just seems so sweet, and it's awesome how close you and she are. I wish I could have had that closeness with my dad.

And I'm totally with you on the not hitting issue. I don't think it's fair to ever hit someone you love.

~Meg in Los Angeles

That was one of your totally heart-breaking and he...

2007-06-06T19:36:00.000-05:00

That was one of your totally heart-breaking and heart-warming posts - the kind that make me snivel just a bit. Everything I could say has been said already, and you are the most amazing Dad and Julie is the most amazing Mum to a truly wondrous child. Wish I'd had someone like you in my corner when I was growing up with my "beastie" (what I call my monster).

you need to post a little video clip of her-that w...

2007-06-06T15:31:00.000-05:00

you need to post a little video clip of her-that would be the end all be all for us here in blog land!

This may not help, or it might just... I always n...

2007-06-06T14:20:00.000-05:00

This may not help, or it might just... I always noticed that my kids got tetchy late afternoon, ie a while after lunchtime, and before the evening meal. I think low blood sugar may have been to blame. A little snack might give Schuyler a boost, and allow the little things less chance to annoy her. After-school club was usually where mine got bullied/ got into trouble, too.

Our cousin, who is 7, and no neurological problems...

2007-06-06T14:16:00.000-05:00

Our cousin, who is 7, and no neurological problems that we know of has lashed out on several occassions like this. I think even a couple of incidents, they had to call his parents because the teachers weren't able to calm him down or restrain him. I can only imagine how much harder it is for Schuyler. On the same note, I think she's perfectly normal in her outrage and you handled it perfectly. At least she shows remorse. There are children out there without that ability or mindset. Then you would need to be really concerned.

I hope she has a better day today. With all the o...

2007-06-06T13:58:00.000-05:00

I hope she has a better day today. With all the obstacles she faces with her communication, an incident a year is NOTHING. Don't we all feel like kicking someone sometimes? I know I do and I'm in my 40's.

Communication frustration is difficult. Def no to ...

2007-06-06T11:07:00.000-05:00

Communication frustration is difficult. Def no to spanking, you're right on that.. would just make matters worse ! if they can't get their shit together (pardon me) then well, they just better get their shit together up there! sheesh. if they can't learn a few simple signs, they should be required to hire an ASL interpreter. did she say if they were witholding her device, or being too impatient with her ?

my son is 4, unable to communicate by speech, and uses ASL. I notice he has a LOT more crying than typical children his age. I know it is because of his communication frustration.

Once I tried to go a day without speaking, to see what it is like, it is very difficult and frustrating. I heard a man on NPR that was researching for some book.. he didnt speak for a year, everyone was so amazed. Then he revealed that oh, indeed he did speak at the grocery store or the bank, he said "you know, places that you have to" and I was just thinking, pssssha, big freakin deal.. he didn't really not talk for a year, he cheated. there are lots of people who spend their whole lives, or years not speaking like some Deaf people, like Schuyler, and my son Liam.. so I was thinking about this guy.. 'don't get on the radio and write a book and let people think you're so great just because you didn't speak in some social situations for a year, ya stinkn stinker.'
well that is my tangent for the day..

Absolutely. \

2007-06-06T10:43:00.000-05:00

Absolutely.

\

We're going to meet with them today to go over mor...

2007-06-06T09:06:00.000-05:00

We're going to meet with them today to go over more of that sort of thing, as well as the device a little further. Schuyler agreed to show them her signs when we're there so they'll know.

One problem is that the stafff will tunrover periodically, so she'll be working with new people every few weeks. But she mostly uses her device now anyway, and the signs she uses are pretty basic stuff.

Honestly, though, they seem frightened by her, or at least daunted.

Rob, why can't the new people working with her lea...

2007-06-06T09:01:00.000-05:00

Rob, why can't the new people working with her learn a few of her signs? From what I gather she is using ASL signs which are so intuitive that it's actually hard not to remember them once they've been introduced. At the very least they should learn 10 keywords for basic emotions and needs. That just doesn't seem like much to ask.

I guess it might be a lot to ask for only day #2, but if anything this incident should illustrate to them the necessity of being able to communicate with Schuyler with or without the bbow.

I have many times throughout each day with my deaf toddler where the lack of language foundation and expressive skills combined with his temper (yes he has one!) make for a mother who is very grateful for ASL.

I think you handled it beautifully by the way.

Can you drop in unexpectedly and observe from afar...

2007-06-06T08:15:00.000-05:00

Can you drop in unexpectedly and observe from afar? Sort of a way to make sure they are meeting her needs properly? This is what I hate most about D's speech issues -- that he can't tell me if someone is treating him poorly, or simply not treating him well.

I don't see where or why physical punishment (aka ...

2007-06-06T07:41:00.000-05:00

I don't see where or why physical punishment (aka spanking) is the answer. It really doesn't teach the moral lesson needed, which is to be able to distinguish right and wrong on one's own, and to on one's own decide/choose to do right.

It sounds like from her reaction, Schuyler is doing just fine in that department.

We all get angry or frustrated and say or do things we regret. Nobody, big or small, is perfect.

Like you said, there is a reason (albeit not an excuse...something I work with Patience on over and over) and I hope you find it soon.

rob -- handled beautifully. and as for spanking, 7...

2007-06-06T07:26:00.000-05:00

rob -- handled beautifully. and as for spanking, 7 is way way too old for such a thing, and you never did before so ... never start.

she is normal in the respect that if pissed off and push comes to shove, she'll push back. the anonymous with 20 yrs experience is 100% correct.

transition periods are always rough, and she's run into transition difficulty before. with support and kindness she'll be fine and do well.

my son is 10 now. in first and second grade, he'd lash out physically at people when frustrated.

he would freak out, get sent to the principal or the "disciplinary office" and then he'd collapse like a burning paper building. the rage, the frustration, the flames would just deflate him and all his energy would just drain, and he'd melt...

by the time i'd arrive, he'd be curled up in a chair staring into space. just drained. i remember one time when he just crawled up into my lap and wrapped his arms around me and said "i'm so sorry i did what i did."

he could speak of the why, the wherefore, the build up, the who took what toy, who called him a retard, who said what to him ... and so i could find out how to best go back and mend fences and make good. but never could articulate his thoughts and feelings BEFORE the explosion, just AFTER it...

and he always went back and apologized. not because i wanted him to, but because he knew it was the right thing to do.

for 2 years now we haven't had this kind of explosive reaction because he learned how to really moderate himself, check his feelings, recognize how angry he was getting.

he learned to walk away. but now, there are some boys who know that walking away means geoff is ready for a fight, and they come after him.

and i don't want to be around when that one kid pushes him a little too far.

I can't ever raise a hand to my son either. He's ...

2007-06-06T07:06:00.000-05:00

I can't ever raise a hand to my son either. He's my walking, talking and breathing heart. It would kill me if I did. I truly believe that parents who take the time to communicate with their children about their frustrations will be rewarded by having a very strong bond with them. I can see that Schuyler totally respects you and that's because you respect her. Hope her summer program gets easier.

No, I haven't actually deleted a comment in about ...

2007-06-06T06:45:00.000-05:00

No, I haven't actually deleted a comment in about a year, since that person left a threatening comment about Schuyler.

I saw where someone posted on the now defunct Trainwrecks site about six months ago that they had posted some brilliant, cutting comment that I had deleted. Well, they were either lying or they weren't smart enough to successfully post a comment in Blogger. Neither would surprise me.

Are the mean people leaving you alone now, or do y...

2007-06-06T06:41:00.000-05:00

Are the mean people leaving you alone now, or do you filter them out for us? That business last year was so creepy.

Nope, never ever ever. Good on you, Rob.

2007-06-06T06:38:00.000-05:00

Nope, never ever ever. Good on you, Rob.

Knowing that you've disappointed the ones you love...

2007-06-06T05:46:00.000-05:00

Knowing that you've disappointed the ones you love is a far, far better stimulus to change your behavior than physical punishment. Because that way, you do it because you want to, because you don't want to disappoint them again, rather than because you are afraid of what will happen to you.

You're an amazing Dad. I wish there were more out there like you.

I've worked with children for almost 20 years now ...

2007-06-06T02:49:00.000-05:00

I've worked with children for almost 20 years now and I can tell you that it would be odd if she DIDN'T have a few incidents like this. Neurotypical or not. If you could see the incident files of all the kids in the summer program you would see that she is just one of many kids who act out this time of year. I'm hearing stories like yours from every parent I know right about now. All the parenting blogs I read are talking about how they hope the summer camp doesn't kick their child out over whatever trouble he/she caused this week.
I hate to tell you this, but as far as behavior problems go Schuyler is 100% normal!