Comments on Fighting Monsters with Rubber Swords: Well, he did ask...

Oh have we ever had idiotic statements made to us....

2012-02-01T13:29:02.194-06:00

Oh have we ever had idiotic statements made to us. My very favorite... I was limping, because of a bad back. Sarah had just had a revision done on her amputated leg and was on crutches with only one leg showing, Erika was in a wheel chair because she had outgrown both of her prosthetics and didn't have the new ones yet.... So we are at a restaurant and this guy walks up with the greatest of sympathy.... "Was it an accident?"
We all looked at each other and I said, "No sir, we are like this on purpose!" And then we all burst out laughing. Poor guy. :)

Rob, you didn't drop the ball, you didn't ...

2011-12-15T01:13:06.753-06:00

Rob, you didn't drop the ball, you didn't need to do anything because this little girl of yours is a 'big girl' and took care of the situation without you.
You actually empowered her, you took a breath, a pause, you stepped back...
and she stepped up.
Yikes on having a 'big girl'... breathe in... breathe out... repeat...

Awesome communication skills, Schuyler--double thu...

2011-12-14T13:10:33.904-06:00

Awesome communication skills, Schuyler--double thumbs UP to you!

(and your dad didn't drop the ball at all...he's just raised you to be the confident girl that you are)

This is always a difficult situation. How do you ...

2011-12-14T10:21:26.961-06:00

This is always a difficult situation.
How do you ask correctly?

First of all: I love it. That was a perfect response.
Not because he asked, but the way he did it.

But:
What is the right way to ask.
As someone, who prefers asking, since I have a hidden disability as well, but one much less obvious, than Schuylers, I care to know. I would ask, because in a way, we are sisters, trying to get by in a world that at the same time asks too much and too little of us.
And he had to ask you, because sure as hell, he wouldn´t have understood Schuyler. It´s not that she can´t be understood, but from what you post, if it hits you unprepared, you stand there completely dumbfounded, trying to make your brain understand what she says.
And as a non-native speaker of English, it has happened to me more than once with native speakers, those who know her accent understand. The rest.. doesn´t.
(Ask a German about Bavarian dialects to get a good idea of that)

Would it have been less rude, if he had asked you, and then included her, by recognizing her, and her presence, perhaps by apologizing, for not adressing her and upfront saying, he´s afraid, he wouldn´t understand her answer?

In the end, that IS the problem, isn´t it? not that he asked, but that he excluded her from a world, he and you obviously belong to.

Sometimes, there is no right way to ask. But there obviously is a right way to answer.

I love, love, love this! I hope when times are ro...

2011-12-14T06:31:43.695-06:00

I love, love, love this!

I hope when times are rough you can remember moments like these and trust that Schuyler will be alright.

LOL - you dropped the ball (for the record I drop ...

2011-12-13T11:46:16.219-06:00

LOL - you dropped the ball (for the record I drop it too) - she didn't:-)

Thanks. But one small point of clarification: Sch...

2011-12-13T10:11:26.914-06:00

Thanks. But one small point of clarification: Schuyler is not autistic.

This was a great post! It terrible how some people...

2011-12-12T23:17:56.893-06:00

This was a great post! It terrible how some people can be! Just because children with ASD are not visibly physically disabled people don’t always know how to properly act. It’s great that there are parents like you out there!

Even better than your advocacy is self-advocacy an...

2011-12-12T21:48:43.753-06:00

Even better than your advocacy is self-advocacy and learning that sometimes others' opinions of us Simply. Don't. Matter. Go Schuyler. You are my hero as well.

What a nosey douchebag!!!!! I cannot tell you ho...

2011-12-12T19:15:10.583-06:00

What a nosey douchebag!!!!!

I cannot tell you how much I adore this story. Your closing TB/holiday statement had me chortling out loud at work.

Bravo to you!!!!

Sheuset: Well, first of all, I think you're a...

2011-12-12T18:38:40.124-06:00

Sheuset:

Well, first of all, I think you're absolutely right, the worst part was asking right in front of her, as if she couldn't hear or understand. And while that might seem like a no-shitter, it happens a LOT. Shamefully, we've been guilty of talking about her in front of her like that before, too, especially when she was younger.

I guess if I had been able to respond to him, I would have simply asked why he was asking. I think there's a weird sense of entitlement in our society where people feel like they deserve to know whatever they want about anyone. Pregnant women get a lot of these kinds of questions, too, I suspect.

If someone has a burning need to know, I don't think asking in terms of "Does she have a disability?" is the worst thing a person could ask. Indelicate, perhaps, but not nearly so bad as "What's wrong with her?"

The thing is, would he have asked if she was in a wheelchair, or had a white cane, or showed the symptoms of Down syndrome in her facial features? For kids like Schuyler who don't clearly show their disability in their appearance, I can understand where the question comes from. But I think before someone asks a question like that, they might want to anticipate what the answer might be.

Does any of that make sense?

Sheuset: I don't mean to sound rude, but why ...

2011-12-12T18:34:07.935-06:00

Sheuset: I don't mean to sound rude, but why would someone need to ask? It seems a bit intrusive unless there is a legitimate reason for needing that information.

So, what is the correct way to ask what he was int...

2011-12-12T18:21:54.275-06:00

So, what is the correct way to ask what he was intending? You've posted similar things before, but I'm never really sure what is best. It seems like asking if she has a disability is insulting, particularly if she didn't have one. I know "is she broken?" doesn't do it, but it just seems like there isn't a good way.

I guess asking where the kid can hear is wrong, period.

Can anyone enlighten me?

I really hope Schuyler is proud of herself!!!! An...

2011-12-12T16:20:03.916-06:00

I really hope Schuyler is proud of herself!!!! And even if you didn't know what to say in that tiny moment before she replied, the sum total of your advocacy and love for Schuyler exists in this blog.

Awesome, awesome story. It reminds me of the time ...

2011-12-12T00:42:24.455-06:00

Awesome, awesome story. It reminds me of the time a man asked me at a party "Is she capable of love?" -- my Sophie sitting right next to me, watching the man as he popped peanuts into his mouth.

As a bystander, yours and Schuyler's seems lik...

2011-12-11T20:01:06.844-06:00

As a bystander, yours and Schuyler's seems like the perfect response, conveying that that wasn't a question that merited a thoughtful or serious rejoinder. Because, I mean, really. How rude!

I recently got a job in the agency in my state for...

2011-12-11T14:22:55.575-06:00

I recently got a job in the agency in my state for people with developmental disabilities. It's just a clerical job, and my first job working for the government. Because of the kind of agency we are, we have a higher-than-usual percentage of employees with developmental and other disabilities. But I've also noticed that people who work for the government tend to be quirky, much quirkier than people from private industry where there is more pressure to conform. I've spent some time wondering about some of my coworkers, whether they have a developmental disability or are just quirky. Finally I realized that it shouldn't and doesn't matter. This man was rude, and Schuyler put him very neatly in his place.

Just beautiful - a perfect response to an unbeliev...

2011-12-11T10:03:35.537-06:00

Just beautiful - a perfect response to an unbelievably rude question. Hope the cough gets better soon!

Definitely an anecdote!! I couldn't stop laugh...

2011-12-11T09:02:23.081-06:00

Definitely an anecdote!! I couldn't stop laughing! GO SCHUYLER!!!!!

You are the most awesome little girl I "know" :) uhm, sorry young woman I know :)

Awesome. You have an awesome kid, sir!

2011-12-11T08:41:49.880-06:00

Awesome. You have an awesome kid, sir!

You start this story with Shuyler not being too ol...

2011-12-11T08:12:16.308-06:00

You start this story with Shuyler not being too old for this and not too young for that, and it sounds like she is on the cusp of something wonderful. I think a simple little pause has made room for Shuyler for interject with her own wise and wild version of self-efficacy. All made possible by watching her dear ol' dad model advocacy on her behalf!

There is definitely "something wrong" wi...

2011-12-11T06:24:35.542-06:00

There is definitely "something wrong" with Rude Grocery Store Guy. I attribute it to the lack of a filter between his thoughts and his words. My MIL suffers from it bigtime. It makes her ask (loudly) "Is she pregnant, do you think, or just fat?" when we encounter random chubby ladies when we're out and about.
Human beings are naturally curious and I like to think there is a little bit of concern imbedded in questions about Schuyler but it's not okay to ask right in front of her.
S. handled it very well.

Go, Schuyler!

2011-12-11T02:40:53.314-06:00

Go, Schuyler!

"Ask a stupid question, you might get a stupi...

2011-12-10T23:42:09.369-06:00

"Ask a stupid question, you might get a stupid answer."

And in this case I don't mean brain stupid I mean corny stupid.

yay, schuyler!

2011-12-10T22:17:38.423-06:00

yay, schuyler!